MONSTERS OF ROCK #1: Dave Wyndorf

By Craig Cuntkicker of SLUTS ON JUNK

I don’t know about you faggots, but frankly I’m sick of this whining pathetic shit I hear everywhere I go. The other day I saw some little fag kid with his jumped up little bmx telling some little bitch who thinks she is ‘METAL’ because she got two piercings in her ear, that ‘The new P.O.D album is absolutely BRUTAL man, it destroys everything’. That’s the state metal is in these days. So, I straightened my blue spandex trousers, took my SIGNATURE Randy Rhoads Flying V out of its alligator skin case and clocked that little punk right in the face. He started gibbering and whining about his ‘mummy’ so I told that pussy-assed little bitch that he better learn what real slutbangin’ metal destruction was all about, or else I’d shove his God-bothering metal up his ass. Then I told him that if I came round to his suburban house and didn’t find him worshipping Satan I was going to rape his face. His little bitch girlfriend started crying and screaming at that, so I played a little “Every Rose Has It’s Thorn” - her 14 year old eyes saw the light - and I took her home and showed her how a real man licks dog-food out of a virgin’s corn-hole.

Now, I’ve digressed. Sometimes the metal fury courses through my veins so hard that I have to let it out in an UNRELENTING METAL MAELSTORM! My name is Craig Cuntkicker from SLUTS ON JUNK – the hardest siamese twins in metal. Unfortunately my partner in this body is Chris Chaos. I figured he’d grow up to be a demon of speed metal and we could rule the world with our amazing guitar skills, but he turned out to be gay. The biggest problem I have with this is that it’s my ass that takes a pounding as well! Anyway, I bitch-slapped his whining face after I caught him trying to play an open chord on my SIGNATURE (you better believe it!) Randy Rhoads Flying V. Still, the little fuck has invited his life partner Horace round for a little one on two tonight. Time for a little Slayer through the headphones, methinks. (You should hear the shit they come out with in bed – it’s fucked up! I hate faggots.)

Now I’ve gone off of one again. I’m here to put the ROCK back in rock’n’roll by bringing you one true MONSTER OF ROCK a month. We’re going to start with DAVE WYNDORF of MONSTER MAGNET

Dave doesn’t like Avenged Sevenfold.

Dave is the singer, guitarist and songwriter from Monster Magnet – one of the greatest bands to tread this earth. Dave is not kind of guy who worries about ‘wounds that will not heal” like those little fag Chester Buttnuggets sing about. While they’re sitting in their millionaire mansions and whining about how ‘life’s not fair’, Dave is out being a true metal god by banging sluts and banging heads.

This is Dave’s style:

Who's gonna teach you how to dance?
Who's gonna show you how to fly?
Who's gonna call you on the lame-dope-smoking,
Slackin' little sucker you are?

Who's gonna get you from behind?
Who's gonna ring your little bell?
Who's gonna con you into buying a television set revolution they sell?

When are you gonna blow the game?
When are you gonna blow the screen?
When will you tell them that the crap doesn't last
And you found a way to make your own dreams

The crap doesn't last and you found a way to make yourself scream

Well I died a million times
And I picked my culture well
And I built myself a gate
They can all now go to hell

I'm never gonna work another day in my life
The gods told me to relax
They said I'm gonna be fixed up right
I'm never gonna work another day in my life
I'm way too busy powertripping
But I'm gonna shed you some light

Get down!

Dave wears leather waistcoats, puts his foot on the monitors, sets fire to his guitar and then goes backstage to snort cocaine off of a 16-year old lesbian’s thighs.

DOES THIS SOUND LIKE HE’S A FAGGOT?

This is what the world has been missing for a long time. Hopefully Dave can be an inspiration to us all, especially with song titles such as: “Negasonic Teenage Warhead”

METAL FURY!