MONSTERS OF ROCK #2: Nikki Sixx

HEADS UP FAGGOTS! Now I’m gonna tell you homlosexshual’s something here – Sluts on Junk is NO MORE! I split that band like I split my body from the sick fuck of a siamese twin I was ashamed to call a brother. His fudge-packing antics just got too much for a straight up guy like me, so I got the doctors to cut that pillow-biting little fag off of me. Then they were like “This is a momentous occasion – the chances of survival for either twin were virtually nil” I’ll give ‘em some chances of survival. I grabbed that Chris Chaos and stomped his ass so hard, they had to import colons from other countries to keep him alive.

So what does a guy like me, with one arm, two legs and one ball do after something like that? You got it – go out and bang some heads and band some sluts like a true metal god. I went down to this shitty dive called “The Moorings” to catch some quality metal action. Every slut in the place dropped to their knees and grabbed a cunt rag to sop up the drips when they saw me walk in with my blue spandex trousers and alligator skinned guitar case – cos I don’t leave home without my SIGNATURE (You better fucking believe it) Randy Rhoads Flying V. It was pretty lucky too, since there was some fucking punk-assed kids singing about school on stage. One of them was wearing shorts – on stage! I looked closer, and saw who it was – the little punk I fucked up last time!

Well, the metal fury started pumping through me in an uncontrollable rage – My vision went red and all I could hear was Hetfield screaming “KILL ‘EM ALL!” It was so intense that I started slamming my head off the walls. I grabbed my guitar, ran on stage and fucked that kid’s shit up. I saw he was using a Line 6 toaster that his mummy bought for him instead of a real amp like an Eddie Van Halen (Not of that Van Hagar shit) SIGNATURE 5150. I gave a second thought about plugging my guitar into an obviously non-metal amp, but did it anyway and started laying down some awesome metal riffs. These kids stopped what they were doing in amazement at hearing real music. So I dropped the guitar and started fucking their shit up.

Everything went hazy then, but when I woke up there was blood everywhere and I was passed out on the floor. However, my SIGNATURE (You better fucking believe it) Randy Rhoads Flying V was still pumping out BREWTAL metal riffs – without me! How about that for a guitar you little fags!

Wait a minute, I hear you saying “Where’s the sluts huh? You’re a fucking fag Craig Cuntkicker!” Well, let me tell you what happened next – I ain’t no fag…. This little slut wearing a Limpin’ Prick t-shirt comes up to me and asks if I was alright, so I grabbed her by the hair and spunked my hot metal love juice right in her face. She started crying and choking on it, and screaming something about her eye. Turns out I blasted one off in her face so hard I caused permanent blindness in one eye. Dumb bitch for not wearing goggles when Craig Cuntkicker is the mood for banging sluts – her mum probably kept her too close to the microwave when she was a kid or something. People are gonna have to learn that when I strap on my SIGNATURE (You better fucking believe it) Randy Rhoads Flying V they better watch what they are doing cos I’m gonna uncage some METAL DESTRUCTION and they are about to have their balls rocked off.

So this month’s MONSTER OF ROCK is NIKKI SIXX, bass player from MOTLEY CRUE. Motley Crue took the 1980’s Californian dream of rock, sex, make up, drugs, and groupie sluts to the absolute max – I mean these guys were the fucking shit! Fair enough, they looked like fags but they weren’t. From actually dying and then coming back to life after doing speedballs, to banging over 300,000 dumb bitch groupie sluts, Nikki Sixx was the epitome of rock. Does this sound like he’s a faggot? I mean really? I don’t see Thom Yorke walking around, wearing leather trousers, and saying “Yeah man, those three dumb sluts from last night where the best little cock-loving schoolgirls I’ve ever fucked with an octopus on video, you know?” It’s all about standards I think, and NOBODY’S GOT ANY THESE DAYS!

From telling Metallica to suck his dick over Napster, to taking enough drugs to sink a rhino, Nikki Sixx is what it’s all about. A lot of people could learn a lot by changing their fucking attitude and start rockin’ out instead of whining like little pussy assed bitches and being all emotional.

METAL FURY!

MONSTERS OF ROCK #1: Dave Wyndorf

By Craig Cuntkicker of SLUTS ON JUNK

I don’t know about you faggots, but frankly I’m sick of this whining pathetic shit I hear everywhere I go. The other day I saw some little fag kid with his jumped up little bmx telling some little bitch who thinks she is ‘METAL’ because she got two piercings in her ear, that ‘The new P.O.D album is absolutely BRUTAL man, it destroys everything’. That’s the state metal is in these days. So, I straightened my blue spandex trousers, took my SIGNATURE Randy Rhoads Flying V out of its alligator skin case and clocked that little punk right in the face. He started gibbering and whining about his ‘mummy’ so I told that pussy-assed little bitch that he better learn what real slutbangin’ metal destruction was all about, or else I’d shove his God-bothering metal up his ass. Then I told him that if I came round to his suburban house and didn’t find him worshipping Satan I was going to rape his face. His little bitch girlfriend started crying and screaming at that, so I played a little “Every Rose Has It’s Thorn” - her 14 year old eyes saw the light - and I took her home and showed her how a real man licks dog-food out of a virgin’s corn-hole.

Now, I’ve digressed. Sometimes the metal fury courses through my veins so hard that I have to let it out in an UNRELENTING METAL MAELSTORM! My name is Craig Cuntkicker from SLUTS ON JUNK – the hardest siamese twins in metal. Unfortunately my partner in this body is Chris Chaos. I figured he’d grow up to be a demon of speed metal and we could rule the world with our amazing guitar skills, but he turned out to be gay. The biggest problem I have with this is that it’s my ass that takes a pounding as well! Anyway, I bitch-slapped his whining face after I caught him trying to play an open chord on my SIGNATURE (you better believe it!) Randy Rhoads Flying V. Still, the little fuck has invited his life partner Horace round for a little one on two tonight. Time for a little Slayer through the headphones, methinks. (You should hear the shit they come out with in bed – it’s fucked up! I hate faggots.)

Now I’ve gone off of one again. I’m here to put the ROCK back in rock’n’roll by bringing you one true MONSTER OF ROCK a month. We’re going to start with DAVE WYNDORF of MONSTER MAGNET

Dave doesn’t like Avenged Sevenfold.

Dave is the singer, guitarist and songwriter from Monster Magnet – one of the greatest bands to tread this earth. Dave is not kind of guy who worries about ‘wounds that will not heal” like those little fag Chester Buttnuggets sing about. While they’re sitting in their millionaire mansions and whining about how ‘life’s not fair’, Dave is out being a true metal god by banging sluts and banging heads.

This is Dave’s style:

Who's gonna teach you how to dance?
Who's gonna show you how to fly?
Who's gonna call you on the lame-dope-smoking,
Slackin' little sucker you are?

Who's gonna get you from behind?
Who's gonna ring your little bell?
Who's gonna con you into buying a television set revolution they sell?

When are you gonna blow the game?
When are you gonna blow the screen?
When will you tell them that the crap doesn't last
And you found a way to make your own dreams

The crap doesn't last and you found a way to make yourself scream

Well I died a million times
And I picked my culture well
And I built myself a gate
They can all now go to hell

I'm never gonna work another day in my life
The gods told me to relax
They said I'm gonna be fixed up right
I'm never gonna work another day in my life
I'm way too busy powertripping
But I'm gonna shed you some light

Get down!

Dave wears leather waistcoats, puts his foot on the monitors, sets fire to his guitar and then goes backstage to snort cocaine off of a 16-year old lesbian’s thighs.

DOES THIS SOUND LIKE HE’S A FAGGOT?

This is what the world has been missing for a long time. Hopefully Dave can be an inspiration to us all, especially with song titles such as: “Negasonic Teenage Warhead”

METAL FURY!