MONSTERS OF ROCK #3:
10 Ways To Be More METAL Than Anyone.
HEADS UP FAGGOTS! I see you little homs reading my column on the bus or at the train station – and I look at you in disgust, in the same way I look at my homosexual ex-siamese twin as the abomination that he is.
You are all faggots.
Don’t read my words (which are manna from metal heaven) on the way to your job in the supermarket, or the tax office. WHAT IS METAL ABOUT SITTING IN FRONT OF A COMPUTER? I wanna see you guys out there, like me, bangin’ heads and bangin’ sluts like the true metal gods did in the dark ages (1981-1986)
So, I’ve written a 10 point guide on how not to be a faggot.
1) You need hair. Hair is metal. The longer, the better, and ponytails scream out heterosexuality in the same way a brass cod-piece does. You will notice you get more pussy the longer your hair is.
2) You need leather man, leather rules. (See above)
3) You NEED to play guitar. Through a stack, a full stack with a Peavey 5150 EVH Signature head - it should have enough gain without a pedal to peel the paint off the fucking walls. The distortion pedal is to get your point across, while causing internal hemorrhaging and spontaneous self-defecation. Stomp that bitch and make the indie fags in the front row with their lighters blazing bleed from their eyes and ears. I know if my audience suddenly looks like they've developed the Ebola virus, I am putting on a BREWTAL metal show.
4) You need a mirror. That's right, a wall of mirrors so that you can practice your attitude the right way. A video camera is the shit too, so you can review your attitude at a later time and make sure you have done nothing gay in your presentation.
5) You need to be able to shake your head violently for hours at a time. This takes practice. You made need to take painkillers in the beginning but once you have this fine art mastered you will be an unstoppable metal machine.
6) Never drink Starbucks coffee. If you need a kick, try instant coffee right out of the jar mixed with Jack Daniels. This is how the pros do it on tour.
7) Say the word fuck at least 5 times in every sentence. Remember, metal is attitude. The word fuck gets your point across loud and clear. "My chick gives great fucking head, my amp sounds fucking great, this guitar plays like fucking shit but I don't fucking care because it looks so fucking badass". This is how a man of metal speaks.
8) Don't bathe every day. You don't want to look like a poser fag do you? Sometimes we need to rock so hard and so often that bathing becomes secondary to the vulture raping death metal orchestra we all love and crave.
9) Don't ever mention your parents. Your image will be destroyed if word gets out your father is an accountant. It's better that people think you crawled out of a burning car crash or a hospital ‘sharps’ skip as an infant.
10) If you can't play good, play loud, remember, it's all about attitude. If your audience knew anything about music they'd be in a band.
I hope these tips help you achieve the stardom that you so crave.
Unrelenting metal brutality. Is that too much to ask for?
METAL FURY!
