Monster of Rock #4: Dave Mustaine and Date Rape.

Take the indie bands. Now compare them to Megadeth. Does their jingle-jangle indie bullshit stand up to the machine-like riffing prowess of Mustaine? No. Do their one note, fender guitar, lame ass clean solos compare to the fret-smoking sweep picking chops of Dave and his cohorts? No. And one tom on the kit? Throw me a fucking bone here. Everyone knows a drummer's manliness and physical prowess are directly linked to the number of drums and cymbals he has on his kit. A REAL drummer has a drum dedicated to each audience member. Notice I said "he". Girl drummers, like girl guitarists, are automatically disqualified since girls only good for one thing: Cleveland Steamers*.

But I digress. Good drummers have a fan blowing on them for a reason: because they are absolute metal monsters who would burst into flames like a Space Shuttle on re-entry if they didn't, because they are just so goddamn BREWTAL. A good metal drummer will play so fast he can break the sound barrier and destroy his audience with a mega sonic boom. Even after destroying his skins with extreme sonic brutality, the noise his pedal and sticks make while cutting through the air will be enough to keep any true metal band rocking into oblivion.

What's the point in playing in a band if you're not trying to melt some fucking faces off?

Does Dave Mustiane look like he plays acoustic fag rock?

Now, I wouldn't normally be seen dead in Bannermans in Edinburgh - it is a hive of faggotry with chocolate flavoured condoms in the toilets and AIDS on the pint glasses and bar staff. But I was fucked after shotgunning 12 brews and a colostomy bag filled with virgin placenta, and these things happen. I was on my way with my good buddy Dino to see Goreticon (truly awesome splatter-metal - check 'em out) but we walked into the wrong bar. Normally I'm not the only guy wearing blue spandex trousers with a pair of numchucks down the front in any given bar, but tonight I was going it alone. After getting in the place and grabbing a Jager, I turned round to see one of the most god-awful abominations on the planet.

Now, I've heard arguments about "artistic merit", but I've also heard more convincing arguments for faggotry, Jesus and democracy so we'll get on with this shit. The bands I saw last night did not rock. I'll repeat that - THE BANDS I SAW DID NOT ROCK.

I turned from the bar and saw a guy on his own, playing an ACOUSTIC GUITAR. That was it. No Flying V. No Explorer. No Jackson, but a pussy-assed acoustic guitar being played by a pussy-assed bitch. He mumbled some bullshit about their drummer being too ill to play but it was an obvious cover up since the drummer had woken up this morning, took one look at his life and jumped the next plane to Tijuana to get some big titties and tequilas and try to prove to the world he wasn't a faggot.

This is generally about the time when the metal fury starts pulsing through my veins and some fag gets his face stomped, but the blood was also pumping through my giant balls (happens when you spend 30 days in jail for corpse munting), so I gave up on the faggot tunes and decided to get some pussy lovin’ and asshole lickin’.

Turning towards the bar I spotted a couple of bar trolls – but they had the makeup, hair and clothes enough for me not to have to vomit in self-disgust the next morning. You know it was a bad night when you have to slap some bitch in the mouth the next morning for looking up at you while sucking your cock. A good right hook and that ho’ learnt her lesson. (It’s called the Fisheye for reference. Reading is for fags though and Libraries caused syphilis) But, on the other hand, even ugly girls need loving and I’m the walking bag of sperm to do it.

I started of with the time earned "s’up sluts?" since my good buddy Dino had passed out in the toilets and couldn’t play wingman.

‘Eughh, what did you say?”

‘That’s disgusting’

‘You think just because we are women we are dumb sluts for you to abuse?’

Hmmm, feminists. Since they spend all day listen to whiny faggot indie emo fag boys with girls’ trousers and floppy hair being all sensitive and singing about their pain, they forget that real men are beer-swilling hard-riffing metal monsters who will kick you off the back of their motorbike quicker than you can wonder if your parents didn’t love you. There was only one way to deal with such a monstrous situation: DATE RAPE.

I pushed passed them to get to the bar and slipped a roofie into the ugliest one’s drink. If you’re going to debase some slut, do it to an ugly one so they think it was their fault for being so god-damned disgusting. That’s the thing though – for chicks, looks are the only thing that matters. If you’re a hot chick, the world is at your feet. If you’re ugly you’re fucked – an inferior, physically retarded, low self-esteem (for obvious reasons), egg-bag. Your hot friends get hit on no matter how dumb a bitch they are, and you get roofied. Bummer.

For guys, there is only one thing that matters – how hard you rock. Dave Mustaine may look like a girl be rocks big rhino balls.

Anyway, back to the matter in hand. The chick I drugged’s friends had left her behind in the bar since she was just a token ugly bitch to make them look good and was acting drunk and stupid.

I took that slut home and reamed her ass. She’ll have to go to hospital to get that colon de-compacted, but fuck it, what a night out huh?

* - Cleveland Steamer – taking a dump on a sheet of glass some chick holds over her face. The ‘Extreme’ version is when you grab her by the hair and rub her face in it while anally fisting her.

Hey man – don’t blame me, this shit is happening to 17 people in your town RIGHT NOW.

MONSTERS OF ROCK #3:

10 Ways To Be More METAL Than Anyone.

HEADS UP FAGGOTS! I see you little homs reading my column on the bus or at the train station – and I look at you in disgust, in the same way I look at my homosexual ex-siamese twin as the abomination that he is.

You are all faggots.

Don’t read my words (which are manna from metal heaven) on the way to your job in the supermarket, or the tax office. WHAT IS METAL ABOUT SITTING IN FRONT OF A COMPUTER? I wanna see you guys out there, like me, bangin’ heads and bangin’ sluts like the true metal gods did in the dark ages (1981-1986)

So, I’ve written a 10 point guide on how not to be a faggot.

1) You need hair. Hair is metal. The longer, the better, and ponytails scream out heterosexuality in the same way a brass cod-piece does. You will notice you get more pussy the longer your hair is.

2) You need leather man, leather rules. (See above)

3) You NEED to play guitar. Through a stack, a full stack with a Peavey 5150 EVH Signature head - it should have enough gain without a pedal to peel the paint off the fucking walls. The distortion pedal is to get your point across, while causing internal hemorrhaging and spontaneous self-defecation. Stomp that bitch and make the indie fags in the front row with their lighters blazing bleed from their eyes and ears. I know if my audience suddenly looks like they've developed the Ebola virus, I am putting on a BREWTAL metal show.

4) You need a mirror. That's right, a wall of mirrors so that you can practice your attitude the right way. A video camera is the shit too, so you can review your attitude at a later time and make sure you have done nothing gay in your presentation.

5) You need to be able to shake your head violently for hours at a time. This takes practice. You made need to take painkillers in the beginning but once you have this fine art mastered you will be an unstoppable metal machine.

6) Never drink Starbucks coffee. If you need a kick, try instant coffee right out of the jar mixed with Jack Daniels. This is how the pros do it on tour.

7) Say the word fuck at least 5 times in every sentence. Remember, metal is attitude. The word fuck gets your point across loud and clear. "My chick gives great fucking head, my amp sounds fucking great, this guitar plays like fucking shit but I don't fucking care because it looks so fucking badass". This is how a man of metal speaks.

8) Don't bathe every day. You don't want to look like a poser fag do you? Sometimes we need to rock so hard and so often that bathing becomes secondary to the vulture raping death metal orchestra we all love and crave.

9) Don't ever mention your parents. Your image will be destroyed if word gets out your father is an accountant. It's better that people think you crawled out of a burning car crash or a hospital ‘sharps’ skip as an infant.

10) If you can't play good, play loud, remember, it's all about attitude. If your audience knew anything about music they'd be in a band.

I hope these tips help you achieve the stardom that you so crave.

Unrelenting metal brutality. Is that too much to ask for?

METAL FURY!

MONSTERS OF ROCK #2: Nikki Sixx

HEADS UP FAGGOTS! Now I’m gonna tell you homlosexshual’s something here – Sluts on Junk is NO MORE! I split that band like I split my body from the sick fuck of a siamese twin I was ashamed to call a brother. His fudge-packing antics just got too much for a straight up guy like me, so I got the doctors to cut that pillow-biting little fag off of me. Then they were like “This is a momentous occasion – the chances of survival for either twin were virtually nil” I’ll give ‘em some chances of survival. I grabbed that Chris Chaos and stomped his ass so hard, they had to import colons from other countries to keep him alive.

So what does a guy like me, with one arm, two legs and one ball do after something like that? You got it – go out and bang some heads and band some sluts like a true metal god. I went down to this shitty dive called “The Moorings” to catch some quality metal action. Every slut in the place dropped to their knees and grabbed a cunt rag to sop up the drips when they saw me walk in with my blue spandex trousers and alligator skinned guitar case – cos I don’t leave home without my SIGNATURE (You better fucking believe it) Randy Rhoads Flying V. It was pretty lucky too, since there was some fucking punk-assed kids singing about school on stage. One of them was wearing shorts – on stage! I looked closer, and saw who it was – the little punk I fucked up last time!

Well, the metal fury started pumping through me in an uncontrollable rage – My vision went red and all I could hear was Hetfield screaming “KILL ‘EM ALL!” It was so intense that I started slamming my head off the walls. I grabbed my guitar, ran on stage and fucked that kid’s shit up. I saw he was using a Line 6 toaster that his mummy bought for him instead of a real amp like an Eddie Van Halen (Not of that Van Hagar shit) SIGNATURE 5150. I gave a second thought about plugging my guitar into an obviously non-metal amp, but did it anyway and started laying down some awesome metal riffs. These kids stopped what they were doing in amazement at hearing real music. So I dropped the guitar and started fucking their shit up.

Everything went hazy then, but when I woke up there was blood everywhere and I was passed out on the floor. However, my SIGNATURE (You better fucking believe it) Randy Rhoads Flying V was still pumping out BREWTAL metal riffs – without me! How about that for a guitar you little fags!

Wait a minute, I hear you saying “Where’s the sluts huh? You’re a fucking fag Craig Cuntkicker!” Well, let me tell you what happened next – I ain’t no fag…. This little slut wearing a Limpin’ Prick t-shirt comes up to me and asks if I was alright, so I grabbed her by the hair and spunked my hot metal love juice right in her face. She started crying and choking on it, and screaming something about her eye. Turns out I blasted one off in her face so hard I caused permanent blindness in one eye. Dumb bitch for not wearing goggles when Craig Cuntkicker is the mood for banging sluts – her mum probably kept her too close to the microwave when she was a kid or something. People are gonna have to learn that when I strap on my SIGNATURE (You better fucking believe it) Randy Rhoads Flying V they better watch what they are doing cos I’m gonna uncage some METAL DESTRUCTION and they are about to have their balls rocked off.

So this month’s MONSTER OF ROCK is NIKKI SIXX, bass player from MOTLEY CRUE. Motley Crue took the 1980’s Californian dream of rock, sex, make up, drugs, and groupie sluts to the absolute max – I mean these guys were the fucking shit! Fair enough, they looked like fags but they weren’t. From actually dying and then coming back to life after doing speedballs, to banging over 300,000 dumb bitch groupie sluts, Nikki Sixx was the epitome of rock. Does this sound like he’s a faggot? I mean really? I don’t see Thom Yorke walking around, wearing leather trousers, and saying “Yeah man, those three dumb sluts from last night where the best little cock-loving schoolgirls I’ve ever fucked with an octopus on video, you know?” It’s all about standards I think, and NOBODY’S GOT ANY THESE DAYS!

From telling Metallica to suck his dick over Napster, to taking enough drugs to sink a rhino, Nikki Sixx is what it’s all about. A lot of people could learn a lot by changing their fucking attitude and start rockin’ out instead of whining like little pussy assed bitches and being all emotional.

METAL FURY!

MONSTERS OF ROCK #1: Dave Wyndorf

By Craig Cuntkicker of SLUTS ON JUNK

I don’t know about you faggots, but frankly I’m sick of this whining pathetic shit I hear everywhere I go. The other day I saw some little fag kid with his jumped up little bmx telling some little bitch who thinks she is ‘METAL’ because she got two piercings in her ear, that ‘The new P.O.D album is absolutely BRUTAL man, it destroys everything’. That’s the state metal is in these days. So, I straightened my blue spandex trousers, took my SIGNATURE Randy Rhoads Flying V out of its alligator skin case and clocked that little punk right in the face. He started gibbering and whining about his ‘mummy’ so I told that pussy-assed little bitch that he better learn what real slutbangin’ metal destruction was all about, or else I’d shove his God-bothering metal up his ass. Then I told him that if I came round to his suburban house and didn’t find him worshipping Satan I was going to rape his face. His little bitch girlfriend started crying and screaming at that, so I played a little “Every Rose Has It’s Thorn” - her 14 year old eyes saw the light - and I took her home and showed her how a real man licks dog-food out of a virgin’s corn-hole.

Now, I’ve digressed. Sometimes the metal fury courses through my veins so hard that I have to let it out in an UNRELENTING METAL MAELSTORM! My name is Craig Cuntkicker from SLUTS ON JUNK – the hardest siamese twins in metal. Unfortunately my partner in this body is Chris Chaos. I figured he’d grow up to be a demon of speed metal and we could rule the world with our amazing guitar skills, but he turned out to be gay. The biggest problem I have with this is that it’s my ass that takes a pounding as well! Anyway, I bitch-slapped his whining face after I caught him trying to play an open chord on my SIGNATURE (you better believe it!) Randy Rhoads Flying V. Still, the little fuck has invited his life partner Horace round for a little one on two tonight. Time for a little Slayer through the headphones, methinks. (You should hear the shit they come out with in bed – it’s fucked up! I hate faggots.)

Now I’ve gone off of one again. I’m here to put the ROCK back in rock’n’roll by bringing you one true MONSTER OF ROCK a month. We’re going to start with DAVE WYNDORF of MONSTER MAGNET

Dave doesn’t like Avenged Sevenfold.

Dave is the singer, guitarist and songwriter from Monster Magnet – one of the greatest bands to tread this earth. Dave is not kind of guy who worries about ‘wounds that will not heal” like those little fag Chester Buttnuggets sing about. While they’re sitting in their millionaire mansions and whining about how ‘life’s not fair’, Dave is out being a true metal god by banging sluts and banging heads.

This is Dave’s style:

Who's gonna teach you how to dance?
Who's gonna show you how to fly?
Who's gonna call you on the lame-dope-smoking,
Slackin' little sucker you are?

Who's gonna get you from behind?
Who's gonna ring your little bell?
Who's gonna con you into buying a television set revolution they sell?

When are you gonna blow the game?
When are you gonna blow the screen?
When will you tell them that the crap doesn't last
And you found a way to make your own dreams

The crap doesn't last and you found a way to make yourself scream

Well I died a million times
And I picked my culture well
And I built myself a gate
They can all now go to hell

I'm never gonna work another day in my life
The gods told me to relax
They said I'm gonna be fixed up right
I'm never gonna work another day in my life
I'm way too busy powertripping
But I'm gonna shed you some light

Get down!

Dave wears leather waistcoats, puts his foot on the monitors, sets fire to his guitar and then goes backstage to snort cocaine off of a 16-year old lesbian’s thighs.

DOES THIS SOUND LIKE HE’S A FAGGOT?

This is what the world has been missing for a long time. Hopefully Dave can be an inspiration to us all, especially with song titles such as: “Negasonic Teenage Warhead”

METAL FURY!